They Are Worth Remembering

How do you "celebrate" pregnancy loss?

July 4 has been a bittersweet date for twenty-three years. It’s the annual reminder of the day in 2001 that I miscarried the first time. That loss came as a shock since I’d enjoyed my previous pregnancy with great health (and no morning sickness). We were in the midst of wrangling a nine-month-old with all the joy and bewilderment of first-time parents.

In the summer of 2002, I experienced two more miscarriages. All three occurred early in the process and, apart from crying with my husband and one or two close friends, I did not feel free to grieve over them for very long. These things happen, right?

While Congress designated the month of October 1988 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month,” which Reagan then formalized, only in 2006 was October 15 named as a specific day to recognize those who have lost children due to miscarriage or stillbirth. When I suffered through my losses, public awareness was low. I carried on, as one is wont to do when everyone else carries on.

Danger Zone

God in his mysterious mercy and sovereignty shepherded me through the physical experience of miscarriage. The third one was particularly dangerous, as the placenta did not fully detach from my uterine wall. When this happens, a mother continues to bleed with no natural way to stop, and the medical term is called an incomplete abortion. I required a D&C procedure, which scraped all material out of my uterus so it could heal and return to normal.

Situations like mine were routinely handled by obstetricians until recent laws—passed by lawmakers ignorant of the way women’s bodies work—are threatening the livelihoods of doctors who perform such procedures. In the name of “pro-life,” needed medical care for women has become a crap shoot. And while I do oppose elective abortions, I also support medical professionals making informed decisions with their patients about care that will keep them alive and healthy. Post-Roe laws today are causing OBGYNs to rethink basic medical care such as mine—if they’d been in effect in 2002, they could have just sent me home to “wait it out” or denied my D&C for fear of legal trouble, or I could have been flagged for potential crimes. Ridiculous!

To my pro-life friends, I applaud the zeal to protect the vulnerable. I only ask that we include mothers, too. Do not let state lawmakers pass medically ignorant laws that put women in danger. Invite obstetricians and other medical professionals into the law-making process. Prioritize the lives and health of women, whether pregnant or not.

Rant over.

Celebrating Life

The surge of recognition for pregnancy loss in recent years brings my three to mind at least annually. We were blessed with more living children, one for each that we lost. I don’t see them as replacements; it’s just how many more we ended up with. We became busy parents, immersed in our children’s activities, creativity, craziness, and affection. My husband and I have been known to look at each other on occasion in awe that God gave us such great kids.

Nate, Jack, Maggie, and Gabe are now grown or almost grown, and they are all four superlative humans, which leads me to suspect that the three we lost would have been equally amazing. So, why not remember them? Why not recall the grief, even if it is dimmed and distant?

They are worth it. And so are yours.